Silent Treatment

Have you ever been in a situation or a relationship where your constant defense mechanism in times of misunderstandings or miscommunications is that dreaded ‘silent treatment’? You retreat to yourself and ignore that special someone – for a day or sometimes a week – and instead of communicating how you feel, you completely shut down and stop talking or making eye contact with that person.

Well, I’m realizing this has been my pattern ever since I entered college, over a decade ago. I never know why or how it started but somehow it has been the way I respond to rocky relationships. I guess it’s time to figure this out.

Never knowing how to express my feelings

I guess that’s the main culprit. And to be more clear, I think it’s more like finding words on how articulate what I feel. Growing up, I’ve always felt like my feelings are not important. I’ve always taken my parents words to think about what other people will say on your behaviour so I have learn to swallow all negative feelings – never really dealing with it outright. When I want to say something, it would always seem like what I say is not valid and therefore, I just stopped commenting, expressing my thoughts. I simply just let everyone else decide. On some instance, it made decision making a whole lot easier. On the flip side, I forgot that I could have and choose my own preference.

Always at a loss for words when it comes to emotions

And because of that, I have never really learned to defend myself in terms of verbal communication. When it comes to hurtful accusations, I would retreat to my little corner of self-pity and blame everything on myself. Instead of resolving the case by clear utterance, I would often find myself mute of any words when in my head words would burst here and there in incoherent way. My heart would plead of attention and clarity but my action would show otherwise.

I don’t know how I could come out of this vicious cycle, but I’m hoping writing it out would be the first step.

Thank you for listening.